No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?