@Hadzilla: No thanks farting robot on the wall I'll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.
@TheHyyyype: Signs that your wife is cheating on you: 1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual 2. Acting distant 3. Sleeping with another dude
@SeanINCypress: Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.