No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing