No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*