“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
are there any atheist mantises?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters