“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I think my mom just blocked me
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”