No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.