No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Nothing to do, you say?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
adam and eve had first world problems
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said