No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
#MeanwhileinCanada