No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.