You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
smh
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him