@lauraleeksmith: No thanks private caller, I don't even answer the phone when I know who it is
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@celebrityhottub: I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
@AnOrangeSNES: [Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*
@Mr_Kapowski: "Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies