I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
We decided to have money instead of children.