Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.