I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag