No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
The Book. The Movie.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee