No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Always…