As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Owl Sanctuary
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.