It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me opening up to someone
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.