No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
after i eat lunch there鈥檚 a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Why aren鈥檛 therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I鈥檓 suspicious of people in hats??
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough鈥ith鈥he鈥arambe鈥okes”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It鈥檚 called Camera.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….