No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.