78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.