No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
3% human
97% stress
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?