No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]