“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Nose
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”