Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..