In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.