No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
this is funnier than any friends episode
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.