No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.