[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’