No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?