No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.