No, YOUR illiterate.
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.