No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
i made a craigslist ad !