@brennadine: "NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
@DrawingShadows: I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.
@Marcmywords2: Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."