“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
You Might Also Like
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes