“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
seems like a niche market
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.