Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You Might Also Like
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
PLEASE READ