[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Leaving the Barbers like
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week