Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.