can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day