Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The Onion called it…again.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.