Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
the three branches of government
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”