@meganamram: Noah's flood = God clearing his browser history
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@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
@flashember: YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
@djdarrellripley: Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.