@meganamram: Noah's flood = God clearing his browser history
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@JohnLyonTweets: My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
@C00LpenNAME: *Job Interview Me: “Thanks for meeting with me” IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat” (Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench) Me: “What...” Manager *starts timer*