noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
You Might Also Like
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.