Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.