Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I’m crying im so happy for them
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Meow
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.