Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Somebody’s lying.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression