Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Mouse