Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.