*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Put this video in the Louvre
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
A friend sent me this.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.