@NatetheEnigma: Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
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@DannyZuker: My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.