Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Breaking news:
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…