Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor